I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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