so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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