Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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