Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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