I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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