I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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