My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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