As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
