Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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