I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
