FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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