I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
