The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Boobs are out for the taking
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
