I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
