i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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