so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
