The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize