He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
