im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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