I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
