dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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