I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
