I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize