I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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