Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
