Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
