My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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