Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
