I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
