Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
