I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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