Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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