i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
