VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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