cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
