I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
