I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I need to sanitize my soul.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You left your phone here
Wait...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
