saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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