mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize