Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize