I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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