Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Randomize
