You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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