Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
