I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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