I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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