I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
