i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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