I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
