I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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