i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
