I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize