It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
