At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
