Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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