Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
