I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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