i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
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