Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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