Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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