how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
