She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize