Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
