May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
