May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
