I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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